He tests us to make sure we are worthy

There are times in one's life when we are tested. I've looked at my life many times and I swear these tests need to stop. It seems every time there's something good coming, I get slapped in the face with something else.

I have lost my mother, my aunts, an uncle, cousins, and one of my best friends. The list seems short when put this way but it's a lot longer. I've been told that some people thought I would just grow up to be a screw up (they clearly didn't know my mama). That was never an option. With that the three people in my life I am closest to are my brother, my grandfather and his wife. Believe me, I love many other family members, but these are the ones who motivate me. I continuously try to give my brother a good role model even though he's technically grown and I try to make the other two proud of me.

This time I was getting ready to move and re-begin my grad school career. I had everything lined up to go. I was excited, my family was ready to get me out of their house and then it happened. My grandfather took ill. This had happened before but without getting into detail this time was different to me. Although I knew he would never allow me to not leave for school the thought did cross my mind. If I could have my way my grandpa would live forever. Many people say that but come on, I've lost enough, I think it's not really all that unreasonable to desire.

I spent days at the hospital. Sleeping on the couch next to him, watching him sleep, ignoring projects that needed to be done before the move. I kept my mind open that he would get out of the hospital before I left. How could I leave my grandfather in the hospital? He's done so many things to take care of me. It's my turn. He's been there to help me talk about my mother and answer questions about what she would think of me now. He's put a foot in my ass when I needed and been there to hug me after. There was no way I could feel comfortable leaving with him not himself.

The Drs came daily and every time they would be ready to let him out of the hospital, there would be some set back. This came all the way up to 2 days before I was to leave. My birthday is coming up and all I wanted was for my grandfather to be out of the hospital. Yes, this was a selfish want but it's my want. I had friends who told me to have faith. Openly I had faith but quietly I just wondered what was the point to this test. I never denied or doubted my God but I sure did wonder what I was supposed to get out of this test.

Tuesday morning came and I had come to grips with the fact that I had to leave with my grandfather still in the hospital. So, I went on and ran my final errands, packed my clothes and got things in order so I could spend the afternoon and evening at the hospital. Then I got the call. My grandfather was coming home. There's an old saying, "He may not be there when you call him, but he's always right on time". Man, if that ain't the truth.

I've known people to pray for jobs, for money, for a good grade on a test, but those prayers weren't answered. I've prayed for people to live and those prayers weren't answered. However I truly believe God knows your breaking point and will push you to that point just to make sure you are grateful. Grateful for what you do have and what you need vs what you want. He'll push you to make sure you understand what's important. He'll push you to grow your faith. He'll push you until you fall to your knees and cry out "Why have you forsaken me?"

He has hurt you to your core, so that he may strip you of all obstacles. He needs to make sure you are completely bare, so that he may heal you at your inner most point. He needs to heal you so that it will last. Now it is our responsibility to realize when this has been done and to learn from it. Many of us have thanked God for something but not learned anything from the experience. If I don't learn from the test and blessing I was given...well I don't want to think about that.

Had this story had a different result would I feel the way I do? Probably not. That doesn't make me anything but flawed. If I were perfect I'd be Christ, not Christian.