While in the store today I saw a young black man who was dressed urban. He was putting on his best gangsta act but then he saw this man and pulled his pants up, shook his hand and turned into a completely different person. That made me think of me.
As a kid I hung out in the streets. I got into fights, stayed out late, got into trouble and had a few brush ups with the police. However I always stayed out of getting into major trouble. A few years ago I saw one of my old friend's mother. There were always 3 of us. Every day we would walk up and down the street, just hanging out. Both of them have spent quality time in the Rhode Island Corrections system. She looked at me and we had the "what are you up to" conversation. I told you what had happened from 1995 until now and she just looked amazed. That followed with "how the hell did you manage to stay out of the trouble they got in?" My answer was simple "I knew when to go home".
The truth is it wasn't that simple. I had a mother who even after her passing ruled me by fear. I was terrified of getting in trouble. That still wasn't it though. The truth is I was lucky enough to have male role models. I've heard people talk about how their father wasn't around and how hard they had it but the truth is that's a shitty excuse. I had 2 father's...biological and non. Both were very different and both had their influences. One was around me a bit more than the other but that's not to negate the importance of both.
My decisions were based on my non parental figures. I have uncles, a lot of them. One uncle was the guy I wanted to be. He was cool. He was a ladies man. He was smart. He was street smart and yes he was a convicted felon. My grandfather once told me you have to separate the message from the messenger. Sometimes the best lessons are learned from the worst people. I looked at him, saw him and he drove me. Even when he was away his friends would make sure to keep me out of parties and bad situations. He was too cool to let everyone know how smart he was so yes he does fall into the category of wasted talent. My uncle has taught me how to be street smart, yet be book smart. He has provided me with the street edge that separates me from many people. I was able to take the street knowledge he gave me and use it in corporate America.
I also had my cousin. My cousin was smart also but he was not as much of the trouble maker than my uncle was. Both of them are approximately 6 - 8 years older than me, so they fit more into the mold of my big brother than uncle. However my cousin showed me that it's ok to show emotion. He taught me how to treat people. He taught me to respect my family, and be a role model. He stood in front of me crying his eyes out and told me that my mother has passed just minutes before. Because of him it was ok for me to cry. My cousin was there for my prom, gave my some advice and pulled my pants up. My cousin is artistic and taught me that it's ok for a man to write, act, dance or sing.
Lastly I would like to address the collection of my uncles. I had/have 8 or so of them. All of them served their role in my life. If they saw me walking somewhere I shouldn't be they told me to get out of there. Whenever I saw them I always treated them with respect and they would have kicked my ass if I didn't. My uncles would see me and give me the last dollar from their pocket.
Your father is meant to teach you many things. Some of the things I learned outside my pop taught me. However it's often the job of the child to ignore what pop teaches me. He was too old and not cool enough to be able to tell me these things. He's the guy who took me to see Boys in the Hood and made sure I got the inner message that Trey stayed out of trouble because his father was around. He's the guy who makes the tough decisions and does the things to make you a good man some day. He makes the unpopular decisions that make you dislike him rather than the ones you like.
I want people to stop with the damn excuses. Everybody has role models. They come from all forms and they tell you the same things I've been told. Some of the things are good, some are bad, some are productive and some are useless, but we have to listen. We have to take responsibility for filtering. We can't smack a woman and say "My dad hit my mother". Grow your ass up and take personal responsibility for the things you've done.
This blog may not have the excitement of some others but these are my thoughts...get over it.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
It's your clock...not mine
I would like to begin with the idea that this blog has not been prompted by any individual person.
I understand that we live in a me world. Everyone things they are important which is part of the reason why we see people walking around constantly on the phone. However the thing that I've come to realize is that we don't respect other people's clocks.
I recall one day sitting, talking to my grandfather and he was telling me about a woman who expressed that it was "imperative" that he get back to her. He voiced his annoyance to me. It may be important to her but it might not be all that important to me (I didn't quote that because he used language not appropriate for use in my blog). I often return to that thought.
Just recently I have had my own trials with life. Some obstacles to overcome but the world doesn't seem to care about those. Frankly, I don't ask the world to care, just respect that maybe they rank higher on my priority list than does your bullshit. Just because you send me a text doesn't mean I have to respond right away. Especially if in the grand scheme of things, it's not that damn important. It ranks high as hell on your clock but not on mine. If it did, then I would have responded sooner. The thing we must know is that just because they don't handle it the way you want them to doesn't mean they won't get to it. It means they will when they have time...when the other stuff sifts out and they get to where your thing ranks.
I mean shit, I was on a bicycle and got hit by a damn car not even a month ago, do you really think your shit is more important to me than that? N to the izzo.
Funny thing about the bike story is that I actually had people get mad at me for missing meetings when it happened. Damnit I missed school, do you really thing I'm not going to miss your meeting? How about I run your ass over and tell me if you respond to every outlook invitation you get? Like grandpa says, "common sense is not common" or as I like to say "I'm trying to apply logic to an illogical situation".
I had someone tell me that I could have responded to their text by telling them I'm busy. Do I need to respond to that? Just read that and tell me if that makes sense. That's like getting mad at someone who went to the ER for standing you up.
If you send a text and the person doesn't respond, you wait. Eventually they'll get back to you. That doesn't mean you keep texting. That doesn't mean you begin emailing. That doesn't mean you call. That means you wait and keep going with your life. I have a life, part of it includes you and part of it doesn't. Just because you only care about the part that includes you doesn't mean the rest doesn't exist. It means you STFU and get on with your life. I'm not holding you up. I'll be damned if I let you hold me up.
Like I said, you don't have to make someone else's clock your clock, but you should respect the fact that theirs is completely different from yours. In the words of the one hit wonder Rocko "You just do you, Imma do me".
The fact that I had to actually write this blog should be filed in the category of absolutely ri-god-damn-diculous shit that should instead be obvious.
I understand that we live in a me world. Everyone things they are important which is part of the reason why we see people walking around constantly on the phone. However the thing that I've come to realize is that we don't respect other people's clocks.
I recall one day sitting, talking to my grandfather and he was telling me about a woman who expressed that it was "imperative" that he get back to her. He voiced his annoyance to me. It may be important to her but it might not be all that important to me (I didn't quote that because he used language not appropriate for use in my blog). I often return to that thought.
Just recently I have had my own trials with life. Some obstacles to overcome but the world doesn't seem to care about those. Frankly, I don't ask the world to care, just respect that maybe they rank higher on my priority list than does your bullshit. Just because you send me a text doesn't mean I have to respond right away. Especially if in the grand scheme of things, it's not that damn important. It ranks high as hell on your clock but not on mine. If it did, then I would have responded sooner. The thing we must know is that just because they don't handle it the way you want them to doesn't mean they won't get to it. It means they will when they have time...when the other stuff sifts out and they get to where your thing ranks.
I mean shit, I was on a bicycle and got hit by a damn car not even a month ago, do you really think your shit is more important to me than that? N to the izzo.
Funny thing about the bike story is that I actually had people get mad at me for missing meetings when it happened. Damnit I missed school, do you really thing I'm not going to miss your meeting? How about I run your ass over and tell me if you respond to every outlook invitation you get? Like grandpa says, "common sense is not common" or as I like to say "I'm trying to apply logic to an illogical situation".
I had someone tell me that I could have responded to their text by telling them I'm busy. Do I need to respond to that? Just read that and tell me if that makes sense. That's like getting mad at someone who went to the ER for standing you up.
If you send a text and the person doesn't respond, you wait. Eventually they'll get back to you. That doesn't mean you keep texting. That doesn't mean you begin emailing. That doesn't mean you call. That means you wait and keep going with your life. I have a life, part of it includes you and part of it doesn't. Just because you only care about the part that includes you doesn't mean the rest doesn't exist. It means you STFU and get on with your life. I'm not holding you up. I'll be damned if I let you hold me up.
Like I said, you don't have to make someone else's clock your clock, but you should respect the fact that theirs is completely different from yours. In the words of the one hit wonder Rocko "You just do you, Imma do me".
The fact that I had to actually write this blog should be filed in the category of absolutely ri-god-damn-diculous shit that should instead be obvious.
Monday, September 28, 2009
The angry black man
I've been in the south a little over a month and most people are shocked that I haven't had more to write. However it's been a lot of smile in your face and pretend to be your buddy, so there's been nothing to express. We all know that can only last but so long before the real you comes out. Guess what folks the real you has come out. I've learned that I'm the angry black man. I've gone to two relatively highly ranked schools, who had a larger population of majority versus other. While going to these schools I've never been painted with the angry, lazy negro brush. However going along with public perception of the south the time is now.
Maybe it's me. Maybe it's the 10,000 Boston College students who never told me that's how I was looked at. Better yet, maybe it's the 500 University of Chicago GSB (it wasn't Booth when I was there so it's not Booth now) students who didn't paint me with that brush. I'm in a small southern school, where I am forced to dress the part. Yes I have to go to class dressed in business casual attire. I wore tims, white tees, air force ones, baggy jeans, north face coats, Boston oversized hats and had my headphones on but was never painted with that brush at either place. I wear argyle v necks, collared shirts, dress paints, and church shoes, but I am the angry black man.
I men a woman today who I discussed this with only to learn that she's the angry black woman. Her? Are you serious? Is that because she wraps her hair, speaks her mind and won't take your shit or is that because she's over 5'4", dark brown skin, and wraps her hair? Tell me it doesn't matter.
I was told that it's my job to fit in, speak up, and make sure I'm heard. The majority of the people reading this blog will laugh when they read that I need to speak up, or speak my mind. Some of you may even beg to meet the version of me that you've met. Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's not us.
Is the latino definitely going to stab you? Is the outspoken woman a bitch or lesbian? Is the big black man angry or lazy? The probability is actually no. The truth is that these may be true occasionally but the visual minority is what you know.
I'm a big, black, yankee, man who is living in a south that hasn't let go of the war. MF it's over. We's allowed to read now boss. Maybe I'm angry because I have to come to school and fight a fight that should be over damn it. Maybe I seem lazy because I'm 32 years old and see a bunch of millennials bickering about shit that isn't that important.
Maybe that Puerto Rican woman is just pissed that you just stared at her ass instead of listening to what she had to say. Yes before you say it, I looked at her ass, but she didn't catch me.
The point is that maybe you should actually step outside of your box, considering we step outside of ours every damn day, all day.
Maybe it's me. Maybe it's the 10,000 Boston College students who never told me that's how I was looked at. Better yet, maybe it's the 500 University of Chicago GSB (it wasn't Booth when I was there so it's not Booth now) students who didn't paint me with that brush. I'm in a small southern school, where I am forced to dress the part. Yes I have to go to class dressed in business casual attire. I wore tims, white tees, air force ones, baggy jeans, north face coats, Boston oversized hats and had my headphones on but was never painted with that brush at either place. I wear argyle v necks, collared shirts, dress paints, and church shoes, but I am the angry black man.
I men a woman today who I discussed this with only to learn that she's the angry black woman. Her? Are you serious? Is that because she wraps her hair, speaks her mind and won't take your shit or is that because she's over 5'4", dark brown skin, and wraps her hair? Tell me it doesn't matter.
I was told that it's my job to fit in, speak up, and make sure I'm heard. The majority of the people reading this blog will laugh when they read that I need to speak up, or speak my mind. Some of you may even beg to meet the version of me that you've met. Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's not us.
Is the latino definitely going to stab you? Is the outspoken woman a bitch or lesbian? Is the big black man angry or lazy? The probability is actually no. The truth is that these may be true occasionally but the visual minority is what you know.
I'm a big, black, yankee, man who is living in a south that hasn't let go of the war. MF it's over. We's allowed to read now boss. Maybe I'm angry because I have to come to school and fight a fight that should be over damn it. Maybe I seem lazy because I'm 32 years old and see a bunch of millennials bickering about shit that isn't that important.
Maybe that Puerto Rican woman is just pissed that you just stared at her ass instead of listening to what she had to say. Yes before you say it, I looked at her ass, but she didn't catch me.
The point is that maybe you should actually step outside of your box, considering we step outside of ours every damn day, all day.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
He tests us to make sure we are worthy
There are times in one's life when we are tested. I've looked at my life many times and I swear these tests need to stop. It seems every time there's something good coming, I get slapped in the face with something else.
I have lost my mother, my aunts, an uncle, cousins, and one of my best friends. The list seems short when put this way but it's a lot longer. I've been told that some people thought I would just grow up to be a screw up (they clearly didn't know my mama). That was never an option. With that the three people in my life I am closest to are my brother, my grandfather and his wife. Believe me, I love many other family members, but these are the ones who motivate me. I continuously try to give my brother a good role model even though he's technically grown and I try to make the other two proud of me.
This time I was getting ready to move and re-begin my grad school career. I had everything lined up to go. I was excited, my family was ready to get me out of their house and then it happened. My grandfather took ill. This had happened before but without getting into detail this time was different to me. Although I knew he would never allow me to not leave for school the thought did cross my mind. If I could have my way my grandpa would live forever. Many people say that but come on, I've lost enough, I think it's not really all that unreasonable to desire.
I spent days at the hospital. Sleeping on the couch next to him, watching him sleep, ignoring projects that needed to be done before the move. I kept my mind open that he would get out of the hospital before I left. How could I leave my grandfather in the hospital? He's done so many things to take care of me. It's my turn. He's been there to help me talk about my mother and answer questions about what she would think of me now. He's put a foot in my ass when I needed and been there to hug me after. There was no way I could feel comfortable leaving with him not himself.
The Drs came daily and every time they would be ready to let him out of the hospital, there would be some set back. This came all the way up to 2 days before I was to leave. My birthday is coming up and all I wanted was for my grandfather to be out of the hospital. Yes, this was a selfish want but it's my want. I had friends who told me to have faith. Openly I had faith but quietly I just wondered what was the point to this test. I never denied or doubted my God but I sure did wonder what I was supposed to get out of this test.
Tuesday morning came and I had come to grips with the fact that I had to leave with my grandfather still in the hospital. So, I went on and ran my final errands, packed my clothes and got things in order so I could spend the afternoon and evening at the hospital. Then I got the call. My grandfather was coming home. There's an old saying, "He may not be there when you call him, but he's always right on time". Man, if that ain't the truth.
I've known people to pray for jobs, for money, for a good grade on a test, but those prayers weren't answered. I've prayed for people to live and those prayers weren't answered. However I truly believe God knows your breaking point and will push you to that point just to make sure you are grateful. Grateful for what you do have and what you need vs what you want. He'll push you to make sure you understand what's important. He'll push you to grow your faith. He'll push you until you fall to your knees and cry out "Why have you forsaken me?"
He has hurt you to your core, so that he may strip you of all obstacles. He needs to make sure you are completely bare, so that he may heal you at your inner most point. He needs to heal you so that it will last. Now it is our responsibility to realize when this has been done and to learn from it. Many of us have thanked God for something but not learned anything from the experience. If I don't learn from the test and blessing I was given...well I don't want to think about that.
Had this story had a different result would I feel the way I do? Probably not. That doesn't make me anything but flawed. If I were perfect I'd be Christ, not Christian.
I have lost my mother, my aunts, an uncle, cousins, and one of my best friends. The list seems short when put this way but it's a lot longer. I've been told that some people thought I would just grow up to be a screw up (they clearly didn't know my mama). That was never an option. With that the three people in my life I am closest to are my brother, my grandfather and his wife. Believe me, I love many other family members, but these are the ones who motivate me. I continuously try to give my brother a good role model even though he's technically grown and I try to make the other two proud of me.
This time I was getting ready to move and re-begin my grad school career. I had everything lined up to go. I was excited, my family was ready to get me out of their house and then it happened. My grandfather took ill. This had happened before but without getting into detail this time was different to me. Although I knew he would never allow me to not leave for school the thought did cross my mind. If I could have my way my grandpa would live forever. Many people say that but come on, I've lost enough, I think it's not really all that unreasonable to desire.
I spent days at the hospital. Sleeping on the couch next to him, watching him sleep, ignoring projects that needed to be done before the move. I kept my mind open that he would get out of the hospital before I left. How could I leave my grandfather in the hospital? He's done so many things to take care of me. It's my turn. He's been there to help me talk about my mother and answer questions about what she would think of me now. He's put a foot in my ass when I needed and been there to hug me after. There was no way I could feel comfortable leaving with him not himself.
The Drs came daily and every time they would be ready to let him out of the hospital, there would be some set back. This came all the way up to 2 days before I was to leave. My birthday is coming up and all I wanted was for my grandfather to be out of the hospital. Yes, this was a selfish want but it's my want. I had friends who told me to have faith. Openly I had faith but quietly I just wondered what was the point to this test. I never denied or doubted my God but I sure did wonder what I was supposed to get out of this test.
Tuesday morning came and I had come to grips with the fact that I had to leave with my grandfather still in the hospital. So, I went on and ran my final errands, packed my clothes and got things in order so I could spend the afternoon and evening at the hospital. Then I got the call. My grandfather was coming home. There's an old saying, "He may not be there when you call him, but he's always right on time". Man, if that ain't the truth.
I've known people to pray for jobs, for money, for a good grade on a test, but those prayers weren't answered. I've prayed for people to live and those prayers weren't answered. However I truly believe God knows your breaking point and will push you to that point just to make sure you are grateful. Grateful for what you do have and what you need vs what you want. He'll push you to make sure you understand what's important. He'll push you to grow your faith. He'll push you until you fall to your knees and cry out "Why have you forsaken me?"
He has hurt you to your core, so that he may strip you of all obstacles. He needs to make sure you are completely bare, so that he may heal you at your inner most point. He needs to heal you so that it will last. Now it is our responsibility to realize when this has been done and to learn from it. Many of us have thanked God for something but not learned anything from the experience. If I don't learn from the test and blessing I was given...well I don't want to think about that.
Had this story had a different result would I feel the way I do? Probably not. That doesn't make me anything but flawed. If I were perfect I'd be Christ, not Christian.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
You say he's just a friend...
I don't know how many times I've spoken to someone and heard her say, "I'm going out with my best friend (insert name here) this weekend. But next week my other best friend and I are going to hang out". Now my first thought is, the grammatical impossibility that is having more than one best friends. Yet, I know of people who have 6 best friends. I place a high value on the term friend. Very few people are worthy. In fact most people fall into the category of acquaintance. However most of my friends are also the same sex.
The whole concept of friends of the opposite sex doesn't make sense to me. There are exceptions. My female friends fall into the category of people I went to school with or grew up with. These are women who I would never look upon in a sexual way. We didn't date, hook up, or anything like that. In fact the thought of that would never cross our minds. How can you look at someone who you are supposed to be able to be there for in an intimate way?
I'm 31 years old and the fact is that I'm pretty set on friends especially female ones. The difference between me and some men is that I'm willing to admit where I stand. Friendship is like a consolation prize to a guy. We see an attractive woman, we grasp the courage to hit on her just so we can hear "I just want to be friends". How the hell can you be friends with a strange man whose only basis for talking to you is your nice ass? However, that guy says yes. When he says yes, he's not trying to be your friend. He's biding his time. He's there when you ask for man advice, and if you haven't notice that advice always sounds like "He's playing you. I'm a guy, I know these things". Yet, because he's your "friend" that shit is like gospel.
Guys are not really all that deep. However women are. My cousin once explained to me to stay away from women who have all male friends. The reason is that the woman either likes the attention that the men give her, or she is full of shit and knows that women will see through it. A man are too busy staring at your cleavage and picturing you in his favorite position to hear a damn thing you say. He gives you the "smile and nod". The "smile and nod" is a look where he's using his active listening skills to offer you positive feedback and make sure you think he's listening. While all he actually hears is "oh daddy, right there".
This isn't rocket science. If you're going to a guy because we know can see through male bs, why wouldn't the same apply to women? Women know this is the case, they just choose to play naive.
I don't need my girl going to her guy friend to talk about some shit I did. In fact I've learned that people need to just keep their relationship business between them. That way when shit hits the fan there are only two people to blame. The guy that she goes to doesn't know me. He's not my friend. He's her friend. So why the hell would he say anything that goes in my favor?
When a man meets a woman she is classified by the number of drinks it would take for him to find her attractive. Based on that number he'll go in. The lower the number the more he'll go through for the opportunity. However, there's a break point. That's the point where he will respond with "nice meeting you" if she throws the friends thing out there. He comes to the conclusion that it's not really worth waiting around for.
Don't get me wrong there are woman who I have or haven't hooked up with that I'm cool with. However the probability is that if given the opportunity I would put it on them until I was sucked through the hole in the ozone layer.
I look at my female friends the same way I see my sister. You are my friend for life, or until you get married and your nazi husband doesn't allow you to speak to me anymore.
What percentage of your friends are male has become one of my first questions. Right around, "How many baby daddies do you have? When was the last time you smoked crack? and Have you ever read a book that didn't have pictures?" That male friend will be pulling her hair the next time you piss her off.
The whole concept of friends of the opposite sex doesn't make sense to me. There are exceptions. My female friends fall into the category of people I went to school with or grew up with. These are women who I would never look upon in a sexual way. We didn't date, hook up, or anything like that. In fact the thought of that would never cross our minds. How can you look at someone who you are supposed to be able to be there for in an intimate way?
I'm 31 years old and the fact is that I'm pretty set on friends especially female ones. The difference between me and some men is that I'm willing to admit where I stand. Friendship is like a consolation prize to a guy. We see an attractive woman, we grasp the courage to hit on her just so we can hear "I just want to be friends". How the hell can you be friends with a strange man whose only basis for talking to you is your nice ass? However, that guy says yes. When he says yes, he's not trying to be your friend. He's biding his time. He's there when you ask for man advice, and if you haven't notice that advice always sounds like "He's playing you. I'm a guy, I know these things". Yet, because he's your "friend" that shit is like gospel.
Guys are not really all that deep. However women are. My cousin once explained to me to stay away from women who have all male friends. The reason is that the woman either likes the attention that the men give her, or she is full of shit and knows that women will see through it. A man are too busy staring at your cleavage and picturing you in his favorite position to hear a damn thing you say. He gives you the "smile and nod". The "smile and nod" is a look where he's using his active listening skills to offer you positive feedback and make sure you think he's listening. While all he actually hears is "oh daddy, right there".
This isn't rocket science. If you're going to a guy because we know can see through male bs, why wouldn't the same apply to women? Women know this is the case, they just choose to play naive.
I don't need my girl going to her guy friend to talk about some shit I did. In fact I've learned that people need to just keep their relationship business between them. That way when shit hits the fan there are only two people to blame. The guy that she goes to doesn't know me. He's not my friend. He's her friend. So why the hell would he say anything that goes in my favor?
When a man meets a woman she is classified by the number of drinks it would take for him to find her attractive. Based on that number he'll go in. The lower the number the more he'll go through for the opportunity. However, there's a break point. That's the point where he will respond with "nice meeting you" if she throws the friends thing out there. He comes to the conclusion that it's not really worth waiting around for.
Don't get me wrong there are woman who I have or haven't hooked up with that I'm cool with. However the probability is that if given the opportunity I would put it on them until I was sucked through the hole in the ozone layer.
I look at my female friends the same way I see my sister. You are my friend for life, or until you get married and your nazi husband doesn't allow you to speak to me anymore.
What percentage of your friends are male has become one of my first questions. Right around, "How many baby daddies do you have? When was the last time you smoked crack? and Have you ever read a book that didn't have pictures?" That male friend will be pulling her hair the next time you piss her off.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Is he or isn't he: The blog Terry McMillan should have read. Then she wouldn't be so damn angry.
I made reference in a previous blog to people mistaking personal grooming for homosexuality. So, in the spirit of completion I will also provide you with better ways to tell if your significant other is gay.
There are various signs that people use. These are just a few that have come to be true in my travels. I've found out some people were gay after the fact and I've never been surprised. In fact two of my college classmates were on the down low before it was even a popular expression and I called that too. My gaydar is uber sensitive, so take this as gospel.
The first sign may seem to be the simplest but most women seem to miss this one. It's flat out the way they carry themselves. If dude seems to always be very sensitive, and very good at relating to women, the probability is that he's suspect. Seriously, I don't go making friends with women so I can have a shopping buddy. The only way I want to go shopping with you, is if I can get lap dances while you try stuff on. Other than that, buy it, wear it and I'll tell you I like it. It really is that simple. I'm not trying to talk to women about my women problems. The only way I want to hear about your man problems, is if I'm trying to hit that. Then I'm going to tell you how grimy your man is, so that eventually you'll leave and you can cry on my shoulder...during breaks.
If your man regularly uses a blender to make his drinks, need I say more? The blender comes out for one reason, chicks. No guy is going to use a blender for his own personal drink. No guy chillin with his boys is going to ask for a daiquiri. In fact, men will actually take into consideration what color the drink is. Aside from Latin men who seem to really like to drink sex on the beach. When I was a bartender at a Latin club, I swear I would just look at people sideways for that. I think it's a lame drink for a woman to drink, let alone a man. "Yes, I'd like to order the fisher price, my first alcoholic beverage." If one of my friends orders a blender drink and he isn't on a cruise ship or an island, oh you better bet he won't hear the end of it. Islands and cruises are the exception. No Martha's Vineyard, doesn't count as an Island.
This one isn't so much for women as it is for guys trying to find out if their homeboy is suspect. If every time you go out, dude requires you to cosign on every female he talks to, there should be questions. Either he's the most insecure mf in the world or he's suspect. This is his way of saying "Hey friend, look at the hot chick next to me. I'm not gay. If I were gay would I be molesting this woman and pretending to enjoy it oh so much". I know guys who make it a point to take pictures with millions of women just for the world to see.
Speaking of pictures, I would like to add another. This one isn't mine but that of someone who is an expert on gay boyfriends. If your man has what you would considering many albums on facebook or myspace that should be telling you something. Guys will generally have one album, maybe 3 if they want to break them up into "friends, family, bullshit" or something like that. When dude has 17 albums, that's telling you something. Guys don't even like looking at your damn photo albums. Yes we let you take them out and show us. If you were able to get in our head, the answer would be "Hell no, I don't want to see what you looked like in second grade". If we don't want to look at photo albums, do you think we want to sit there sifting through our pictures. Shit, I have pictures on my computer that occasionally surprise me. "When the hell did I take that picture?" "That's not my shirt." "How did that goat get there?" All things that you may have said while looking through your computer.
Listen, I see nothing wrong with homosexuality. In fact I wish more men would come out. This way I have fewer men going after woman. I get to stand out more. On the other hand, if you are gay then be gay. Damn, I have to be black and everybody knows it. If you're black and gay, well nobody is going to hate you more for being gay than being black so screw it. I mean shit I've met gay bigots. That's some shit. Anyways. I recently met a young man who was so thrilled to be out. He brought it up in random conversation. I said "Can you pass the bread please?" he said "I mean it felt so good when I came out". Imagine, if you allowed yourself to feel that bliss.
These are not the only signs but a few to watch for. For those who wonder if there is a gay NBA player...just watch Antoine Walker run and then you tell me.
There are various signs that people use. These are just a few that have come to be true in my travels. I've found out some people were gay after the fact and I've never been surprised. In fact two of my college classmates were on the down low before it was even a popular expression and I called that too. My gaydar is uber sensitive, so take this as gospel.
The first sign may seem to be the simplest but most women seem to miss this one. It's flat out the way they carry themselves. If dude seems to always be very sensitive, and very good at relating to women, the probability is that he's suspect. Seriously, I don't go making friends with women so I can have a shopping buddy. The only way I want to go shopping with you, is if I can get lap dances while you try stuff on. Other than that, buy it, wear it and I'll tell you I like it. It really is that simple. I'm not trying to talk to women about my women problems. The only way I want to hear about your man problems, is if I'm trying to hit that. Then I'm going to tell you how grimy your man is, so that eventually you'll leave and you can cry on my shoulder...during breaks.
If your man regularly uses a blender to make his drinks, need I say more? The blender comes out for one reason, chicks. No guy is going to use a blender for his own personal drink. No guy chillin with his boys is going to ask for a daiquiri. In fact, men will actually take into consideration what color the drink is. Aside from Latin men who seem to really like to drink sex on the beach. When I was a bartender at a Latin club, I swear I would just look at people sideways for that. I think it's a lame drink for a woman to drink, let alone a man. "Yes, I'd like to order the fisher price, my first alcoholic beverage." If one of my friends orders a blender drink and he isn't on a cruise ship or an island, oh you better bet he won't hear the end of it. Islands and cruises are the exception. No Martha's Vineyard, doesn't count as an Island.
This one isn't so much for women as it is for guys trying to find out if their homeboy is suspect. If every time you go out, dude requires you to cosign on every female he talks to, there should be questions. Either he's the most insecure mf in the world or he's suspect. This is his way of saying "Hey friend, look at the hot chick next to me. I'm not gay. If I were gay would I be molesting this woman and pretending to enjoy it oh so much". I know guys who make it a point to take pictures with millions of women just for the world to see.
Speaking of pictures, I would like to add another. This one isn't mine but that of someone who is an expert on gay boyfriends. If your man has what you would considering many albums on facebook or myspace that should be telling you something. Guys will generally have one album, maybe 3 if they want to break them up into "friends, family, bullshit" or something like that. When dude has 17 albums, that's telling you something. Guys don't even like looking at your damn photo albums. Yes we let you take them out and show us. If you were able to get in our head, the answer would be "Hell no, I don't want to see what you looked like in second grade". If we don't want to look at photo albums, do you think we want to sit there sifting through our pictures. Shit, I have pictures on my computer that occasionally surprise me. "When the hell did I take that picture?" "That's not my shirt." "How did that goat get there?" All things that you may have said while looking through your computer.
Listen, I see nothing wrong with homosexuality. In fact I wish more men would come out. This way I have fewer men going after woman. I get to stand out more. On the other hand, if you are gay then be gay. Damn, I have to be black and everybody knows it. If you're black and gay, well nobody is going to hate you more for being gay than being black so screw it. I mean shit I've met gay bigots. That's some shit. Anyways. I recently met a young man who was so thrilled to be out. He brought it up in random conversation. I said "Can you pass the bread please?" he said "I mean it felt so good when I came out". Imagine, if you allowed yourself to feel that bliss.
These are not the only signs but a few to watch for. For those who wonder if there is a gay NBA player...just watch Antoine Walker run and then you tell me.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friends don't let friends dress like that...
It's summer time in New England. Places that experience winter are going crazy right now. You've acquired clothing that you can only wear for 3 - 5 months. The rest of the year we are required to look like the abominable snow man just to go to the grocery store.
Maybe some point during the late stages of winter you were in a store and said to yourself, "Self, I really like that shirt. I know it doesn't fit, but I'm going to get in the gym, eat right and look sexy in that shirt this summer." I would like to inform you that "Self" is not a good friend. Self would have told you that you're not going to lose that weight. It's not going to look good on you. You have now bought a shirt that is just too damn small for your body. Instead of filing that one in the back of the closet, selling it on ebay or giving it to one of your more shapely friends, you decide to wear it. You rock that shirt the first warm day with pride. People look at you and you just know they are checking you out. Guess what? They're not. They are saying the same thing I am. What the hell was she thinking?
Guys don't think you're excused from this conversation. I enjoy going to a ball court and running a few games. I try to go to the gym as many times as a possibly can and I see you doing the same thing. Somehow under armour has made men think that if we wear a shirt tight enough it will suppress the rolls and turn them into muscle. Nope. It just mashes the rolls together so now your navel looks like a cave. It's not a good look. A friend of mine explained to me a rule of thumb for under armour. If you wear over a size 38, don't wear it. This is not for all under armour. You know exactly which style I'm talking about. The style that some guy was wearing who was jacked as hell and you were hating on him. You probably accused him of being on juice, then you went to the store and convinced yourself that it makes your chest look bigger. Instead all it does is show the world that men can get swamp tits.
The most important part of this is coming up. We've all heard this saying yet so many people fall don't follow it. "Just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you have to buy it". Understand your body. Realize that you don't have flat abs. In fact, you don't have abs. Some people have abs, others have a belly. There are clothes meant for everybody. If you have good friends they'll tell you not to wear it. However if you saw something on someone half your size and it looked great on that person, it's not going to look good on you. But wait there's more!!!! If you saw something on someone bigger than you and thought to yourself "damn if that's cute on her, I'll kill that outfit", you too my friend are wrong. You can be too small just as easily as too big. If you don't have the ass to hold it up, it just looks funny.
I saw a woman yesterday who had on one of those link belts over her black tights. Now those belts aren't meant to hold up a damn thing. Especially when it's pants that stretch. They are an accessory meant to accentuate some curves. Well she was a size 2...maybe even 0. Now yes, a woman can be small and have curves. If you don't believe me just look up Brazilians. However she had no ass, or even hips; shit the first curve I saw on her came at her knees. So, this belt just looks like she was shackled in a damn chain gang ready to lay some railroad.
Yes, maybe you don't care what I think. However I'm a guy. Guys will do a lot of things if we think we'll get laid. If we walk down the street, look at you and you give a glance that tells us we have a chance, you could look like a ninja turtle smacked in the face with a bag of nails, and we'll still go in. As my friend says "Oatmeal is better than no meal". However when the homeless man with one eye and a peg leg made of old rolled up newpaper is the only one to tell you how good to look in that outfit, it's time to let it go. When you feel like people are laughing at you, they are. When you walk past a group of people and you think they're staring at you, they are. All of these things aren't happening because oh you're so hot. It's because you are dressed in some bullshit.
Here's an easy way to figure it out. Ladies, if a man is with his woman and walks past you and he is slyly trying to look at you, then you look good. Wear your shit with pride, in fact Fabreze it and wear it again tomorrow. Also, if he walks by you and you hear a slap that echoes throughout the city. That means his significant woman caught him looking and she just left an imprint on his cheek. Now if dude walks past you, looks at you, doesn't care if he gets caught looking and quite possibly taps his woman to look at you also, run home change clothes and burn that outfit.
I already know that I'm going to step outside and see some West Indian guy with flip flops and socks immediately after I post this blog. Hey I can't fix the world, but I can laugh my ass off at it.
Maybe some point during the late stages of winter you were in a store and said to yourself, "Self, I really like that shirt. I know it doesn't fit, but I'm going to get in the gym, eat right and look sexy in that shirt this summer." I would like to inform you that "Self" is not a good friend. Self would have told you that you're not going to lose that weight. It's not going to look good on you. You have now bought a shirt that is just too damn small for your body. Instead of filing that one in the back of the closet, selling it on ebay or giving it to one of your more shapely friends, you decide to wear it. You rock that shirt the first warm day with pride. People look at you and you just know they are checking you out. Guess what? They're not. They are saying the same thing I am. What the hell was she thinking?
Guys don't think you're excused from this conversation. I enjoy going to a ball court and running a few games. I try to go to the gym as many times as a possibly can and I see you doing the same thing. Somehow under armour has made men think that if we wear a shirt tight enough it will suppress the rolls and turn them into muscle. Nope. It just mashes the rolls together so now your navel looks like a cave. It's not a good look. A friend of mine explained to me a rule of thumb for under armour. If you wear over a size 38, don't wear it. This is not for all under armour. You know exactly which style I'm talking about. The style that some guy was wearing who was jacked as hell and you were hating on him. You probably accused him of being on juice, then you went to the store and convinced yourself that it makes your chest look bigger. Instead all it does is show the world that men can get swamp tits.
The most important part of this is coming up. We've all heard this saying yet so many people fall don't follow it. "Just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you have to buy it". Understand your body. Realize that you don't have flat abs. In fact, you don't have abs. Some people have abs, others have a belly. There are clothes meant for everybody. If you have good friends they'll tell you not to wear it. However if you saw something on someone half your size and it looked great on that person, it's not going to look good on you. But wait there's more!!!! If you saw something on someone bigger than you and thought to yourself "damn if that's cute on her, I'll kill that outfit", you too my friend are wrong. You can be too small just as easily as too big. If you don't have the ass to hold it up, it just looks funny.
I saw a woman yesterday who had on one of those link belts over her black tights. Now those belts aren't meant to hold up a damn thing. Especially when it's pants that stretch. They are an accessory meant to accentuate some curves. Well she was a size 2...maybe even 0. Now yes, a woman can be small and have curves. If you don't believe me just look up Brazilians. However she had no ass, or even hips; shit the first curve I saw on her came at her knees. So, this belt just looks like she was shackled in a damn chain gang ready to lay some railroad.
Yes, maybe you don't care what I think. However I'm a guy. Guys will do a lot of things if we think we'll get laid. If we walk down the street, look at you and you give a glance that tells us we have a chance, you could look like a ninja turtle smacked in the face with a bag of nails, and we'll still go in. As my friend says "Oatmeal is better than no meal". However when the homeless man with one eye and a peg leg made of old rolled up newpaper is the only one to tell you how good to look in that outfit, it's time to let it go. When you feel like people are laughing at you, they are. When you walk past a group of people and you think they're staring at you, they are. All of these things aren't happening because oh you're so hot. It's because you are dressed in some bullshit.
Here's an easy way to figure it out. Ladies, if a man is with his woman and walks past you and he is slyly trying to look at you, then you look good. Wear your shit with pride, in fact Fabreze it and wear it again tomorrow. Also, if he walks by you and you hear a slap that echoes throughout the city. That means his significant woman caught him looking and she just left an imprint on his cheek. Now if dude walks past you, looks at you, doesn't care if he gets caught looking and quite possibly taps his woman to look at you also, run home change clothes and burn that outfit.
I already know that I'm going to step outside and see some West Indian guy with flip flops and socks immediately after I post this blog. Hey I can't fix the world, but I can laugh my ass off at it.
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