Friends don't let friends dress like that...

It's summer time in New England. Places that experience winter are going crazy right now. You've acquired clothing that you can only wear for 3 - 5 months. The rest of the year we are required to look like the abominable snow man just to go to the grocery store.

Maybe some point during the late stages of winter you were in a store and said to yourself, "Self, I really like that shirt. I know it doesn't fit, but I'm going to get in the gym, eat right and look sexy in that shirt this summer." I would like to inform you that "Self" is not a good friend. Self would have told you that you're not going to lose that weight. It's not going to look good on you. You have now bought a shirt that is just too damn small for your body. Instead of filing that one in the back of the closet, selling it on ebay or giving it to one of your more shapely friends, you decide to wear it. You rock that shirt the first warm day with pride. People look at you and you just know they are checking you out. Guess what? They're not. They are saying the same thing I am. What the hell was she thinking?

Guys don't think you're excused from this conversation. I enjoy going to a ball court and running a few games. I try to go to the gym as many times as a possibly can and I see you doing the same thing. Somehow under armour has made men think that if we wear a shirt tight enough it will suppress the rolls and turn them into muscle. Nope. It just mashes the rolls together so now your navel looks like a cave. It's not a good look. A friend of mine explained to me a rule of thumb for under armour. If you wear over a size 38, don't wear it. This is not for all under armour. You know exactly which style I'm talking about. The style that some guy was wearing who was jacked as hell and you were hating on him. You probably accused him of being on juice, then you went to the store and convinced yourself that it makes your chest look bigger. Instead all it does is show the world that men can get swamp tits.

The most important part of this is coming up. We've all heard this saying yet so many people fall don't follow it. "Just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you have to buy it". Understand your body. Realize that you don't have flat abs. In fact, you don't have abs. Some people have abs, others have a belly. There are clothes meant for everybody. If you have good friends they'll tell you not to wear it. However if you saw something on someone half your size and it looked great on that person, it's not going to look good on you. But wait there's more!!!! If you saw something on someone bigger than you and thought to yourself "damn if that's cute on her, I'll kill that outfit", you too my friend are wrong. You can be too small just as easily as too big. If you don't have the ass to hold it up, it just looks funny.

I saw a woman yesterday who had on one of those link belts over her black tights. Now those belts aren't meant to hold up a damn thing. Especially when it's pants that stretch. They are an accessory meant to accentuate some curves. Well she was a size 2...maybe even 0. Now yes, a woman can be small and have curves. If you don't believe me just look up Brazilians. However she had no ass, or even hips; shit the first curve I saw on her came at her knees. So, this belt just looks like she was shackled in a damn chain gang ready to lay some railroad.

Yes, maybe you don't care what I think. However I'm a guy. Guys will do a lot of things if we think we'll get laid. If we walk down the street, look at you and you give a glance that tells us we have a chance, you could look like a ninja turtle smacked in the face with a bag of nails, and we'll still go in. As my friend says "Oatmeal is better than no meal". However when the homeless man with one eye and a peg leg made of old rolled up newpaper is the only one to tell you how good to look in that outfit, it's time to let it go. When you feel like people are laughing at you, they are. When you walk past a group of people and you think they're staring at you, they are. All of these things aren't happening because oh you're so hot. It's because you are dressed in some bullshit.

Here's an easy way to figure it out. Ladies, if a man is with his woman and walks past you and he is slyly trying to look at you, then you look good. Wear your shit with pride, in fact Fabreze it and wear it again tomorrow. Also, if he walks by you and you hear a slap that echoes throughout the city. That means his significant woman caught him looking and she just left an imprint on his cheek. Now if dude walks past you, looks at you, doesn't care if he gets caught looking and quite possibly taps his woman to look at you also, run home change clothes and burn that outfit.

I already know that I'm going to step outside and see some West Indian guy with flip flops and socks immediately after I post this blog. Hey I can't fix the world, but I can laugh my ass off at it.